Mama's Family
Transcript for "Zirconia's Are A Girl's Best Friend"
Transcribed By Jason Todd
Written By Rick Hawkins
FADE IN:
OUTSIDE MAMA'S HOUSE
MAMA walks out onto the front porch where Vint and Naomi are at.
MAMA
Boy, I tell you it is so hot these suckers (indicating cupcakes)
started to bake before I even put them in the oven.
VINT
Oh boy, Mama's cupcakes.
MAMA
Paws off mister. These are for supper. They ain't even been
icened yet.
IOLA
Knock knock. Oh are those cupcakes I smell?
MAMA
Why is it that every time I bring something out to cool people show up like
pigeons at a birdseed convention?
IOLA
Well because your cupcakes are so irrisistable.
MAMA
Well since you put it that way Iola help yourself.
VINT
Oh Iola, aren't you burning up in that sweater?
IOLA
Oh my no it's just across my shoulders. Thank goodness for sweater guards.
IOLA twirls her zirconia sweater guard.
NAOMI
Is that new Iola?
IOLA
Yes I just got it today.
MAMA
Oh are those real diamonds?
IOLA
Close. They're cubic Zirconia.
MAMA
Well what the h--l are cubic zirconias?
IOLA
Well they're man made. They've got all the sparkle at just a
fraction of the cost.
NAOMI
Oh you mean like a rhinestone?
IOLA
Oh my no Naomi. These can do everything a real diamond can. They can
even cut glass.
VINT
Well that'll come in real handy if you ever get locked in a greenhouse.
NAOMI
I think they're just gorgeous. Honey why don't you ever buy me stuff like
that?
MAMA
My Mama used to have a think just like that. It even had little matching
earbobs.
IOLA
Well Thelma I never knew you liked jewelry. I've never seen you wear anything
but those pearls.
MAMA
Well Carl didn't like me to wear any jewelry.
VINT
Yea. He said he never wanted anything that would take away
from Mama's beautiful face.
MAMA
Ha! He never wanted anything anything that would take away from his wallet!
IOLA
Well you don't have to have money to buy jewelry now a days. This was a
real steal off of the K-RAY teleshopper.
NAOMI
Is that where you phone in and buy stuff off the air?
IOLA
Uh huh. It's like having an entire shopping mall in your living room.
MAMA
Oh that is the bunk. If the good Lord wanted people to have shopping malls
in their homes then the garden of eden would have had piped in music, see
through elevators and a house of nuts.(VINTON is eating another cupcake)
Vinton how many of these d--n things are you going to eat?!
MAMA exits.
FADE TO:
MAMA's KITCHEN
Bubba enters to talk to Mama.
MAMA
Get enough to eat sweety?
BUBBA
Yes maa'me. That was one great dinner. Probably the best dinner I've ever
ate in my entire life.
MAMA
Well thank you Bubba
BUBBA
And these cupcakes. Nobody bakes like you. I mean it Grandma, you're the
greatest.
MAMA
What do you want?
BUBBA
I need twenty bucks for my date tonight.
MAMA
Twenty bucks? You think I'm made out of money. You need to learn the
value of a dollar.
BUBBA
But Grandma you wouldn't believe what a simple date costs these days.
You've got your movie tickets, popcorn, cokes, hot dogs, licorice twips,
joo-joo beads...and lots of times the girl wants something too.
MAMA
Bubba there is no need for you to be spending all that money. Shoot
I remember some of my best dates with your Grandpa Carl never cost a
dime. He would pick me up and we'd drive over to Ray Lake. He'd find
a little Glen Miller on the radio. We'd just sit back, stare at the moon
and-(eyes bug out) On second thought there's nothing like a good movie.
MAMA runs to her recipes and pulls out a 20 dollar bill and hands
it to BUBBA.
BUBBA
Thanks Grandma.
BUBBA starts to exit.
MAMA
Have a good time. Stay away from Ray Lake.
BUBBA closes the door behind him.
MAMA walks into the living room where Naomi and Vint are
dressed in their bowling outfits. Naomi is watching TV and Vint is
standing in front of the fan.
MAMA
Haven't you two gone bowling yet?
VINT
No. Naomi's glued to that K-RAY teleshopper.
NAOMI
Miss Harper look at that ruby and emerald cocktail ring for only
19 dollars. Ooh I'm phoning in.
MAMA
Oh Naomi save your money. You could find better in a box of Cracker
Jack's.
VINT
Come on Naomi. If we're late we have to bowl next to the wall.
NAOMI
Oh alright.
NAOMI and VINT exit.
MAMA
Get a strike for me!
TRAVIS
(on TV)
Okay here's a too too treat for another lucky shopper. (honks bicycle
horn)Now it's time to move on to our next item.
MAMA
I don't think so. It's time to move on to Siskel and Ebert.
MAMA starts to change the channel but-
TRAVIS
(on TV)
These antique style Zirconian ear bobs.
MAMA
Oh those look like the earrings my mother used to wear. Except
she gave them to Aunt Seeila who had the biggest earlobes in the
family.
TRAVIS
(on TV)
These beauties are only $39.95 a pair.
MAMA
Is that all?
TRAVIS
But teleshoppers there are only six pairs left so you'll have to act fast.
MAMA
Uh don't sale them! Don't sale them (running to the phone) I'm acting fast.
(starts dialing)
MAMA
D--n why don't we get a touchtone...Hello Hello?!
TRAVIS
Hi. You're on the air with Travis.
MAMA
I want them earbobs.
TRAVIS
And you've got them. What's your name?
MAMA
Thelma. Thelma Harper this is my first time calling in.
TRAVIS
First time caller huh? (honks horn) Well then Thelma I'm going to give
you these earbobs at the discount price of only thirty dollars.
MAMA
Well Travis you are a doll.
TRAVIS
Well thank you Thelma. I'm going to move you on to LouAnne she's going
to take your credit card number and then I have to move on to the next item:
the matching Zirconia bracelet.
MAMA
Well now hold that line, Travis. There's no need to break up a matching
set. I tell you what, let's talk a deal here. What's your bottom line for
the earbobs and the bracelet and what do you have a ring with it too? Don't
hold out on me Travis baby. Come on.
FADE OUT
FADE IN TO:
MAMA is in the kitchen, covered with jewelry singing.
MAMA
I feel purty oh so purty.
MAMA pours NAOMI some lemonade.
NAOMI
Miss Harper I can't help but notice the change in you.
MAMA
Well I think it has something to do with these rocks. Who ever thought I
could carry on such big jewelry. I tell you I feel like a million bucks.
VINT
And you look it too, Mama. It's like eating bologna with Joan Collins.
MAMA
(looking at her watch)
Idn't it? I tell you I'm never shopping anywhere else but teleshopper.
They make it so easy too. They take your credit card number right over
the phone.
VINT
But Mama you said your credit card was for emergencies only.
MAMA
Grow up, Vinton. If Angela Lansbury can master the possibilities
so can I.
BUBBA enters carrying a package.
BUBBA
Grandma, another package from Teleshopper.
NAOMI
Another one?
MAMA
If this is what I think it is our days of swealtering in this
heat are over.
VINT
Mama don't tell me you got us an air conditioning.
MAMA
Naomi, I got you yellow because you wear so much of it.
MAMA hands NAOMI a yellow miniature fan.
NAOMI
Well what is this thing?
MAMA
It is a personal air circulating system. Travis says they're all the
rage in palm beach.
BUBBA
But Grandma they're just little fans.
MAMA
They come in six different decorative colors. Vint, I got you sandlewood.
(hands Vint his)
Bubba your is avacado green.There you see , this kitchen is already degrees
cooler.
NAOMI
(looking in the box)
Miss Harper how many of these did you buy.
MAMA
Well you wouldn't believe the terrific deal Travis gave me on these suckers.
They were cheaper by the gross.
VINT
Mama what are we going to do with twelve of these things.
MAMA
These will make perfect birthday and Christmas presents, and wonderful
stocking stuffers.
BUBBA
Yea, reach into a stocking and lose a finger.
MAMA
Good Lord, it's nearly twelve. Time for Travis's telethon. Naomi you
finish lunch.
NAOMI
You want me to finish making it?
MAMA
Just put the little stand down on that sucker and your hands are free for
work. Also perfect for the dashboard of your car or boat.
BUBBA
But Grandma we don't have a boat.
VINTON
Don't remind her Bubba. She'll order a gross of them.
~Living Room~ Mama is on the phone with Travis
Mama: Oh my yes, Travis. My living room is just crying out for that portrait of
Elvis that lights up.
The camera pulls back to reveal loads of stuff in her living room ordered
from teleshopper.
Travis: And what a lovely bargain you're getting on that one. Boy Thelma
by now your house must really be a showplace.
Mama: Well it's nothing fancy but we like it.
Travis: And here at KRAY teleshopper. We like you, Thelma.
Mama: Well bless your heart Travis.
(Naomi enters from up the stairs carrying a laundry basket)
Naomi: Well I folded all the towels.
Mama hangs up the phone.
Naomi: Miss Harper, you weren't ordering more stuff from the TV were you?
Mama: No, I was just dusting the phone.
Naomi: Well congratulations, that's the first lick of housework I've seen you
do in the past three weeks.
Mama: Well I might have slacked off a bit. But life is short. Bon bon?
(VINT enters)
Vint: Mama what's for supper tonigh?
Mama: Well we can have whatever you want to sweety. We can send out for pizza
or chinease or catfish in a bucket.
Vint: Take out food again. Thanks alot Mama.
Mama: Shh. Is that footsteps I hear on my front porch. I bet that's the
mailman delivering my goldleaf french telephone.
Mama opens the door to see Iola.
Iola: Knock knock
Mama: Oh Iola what do you want.
Iola: Well Thelma I came to take you to the Church Ladies League meeting.
Mama: Is that today?
Well I can't miss the 3:00 bargain bonanza. You're just going to have to
have the meeting without me.
Iola: Thelma we can't have the meeting without you you're the president.
Mama: Well then in that case todays meeting is adjourned. (slaps gold
gabbel down on TV) This was only one-fourth the retail price, solid brass.
Iola: Thelma Harper I can not believe you are taking your presidential
duties so lightly.
Naomi: Or your household duties.
Vint: Or your cooking. Mama this thing has got to stop. It's gone all out of
proportion.
Mama: I can't believe the way you people are acting. All my life I've scrimped
and saved so if buying a few little trinkets brings me a smidget of joy during my
twighlight years I would like to know just what is the problem here.
(Bubba enters with mail)
Bubba: Hi Grandma. Mail just got here.
Mama: Anything from KRAY?
Bubba: No. Just this?
Mama: What's this.
Bubba: I don't know. Looks like your credit card bill.
Mama opens the envelope, holds up the bill and a long strand of paper
falls onto the floor.
Mama: Uh-oh.
Mama: I just can't believe I owe one thousand-
Bubba: Six hundred-
Naomi: Twenty Three dollars-
Vint: And forty-two cents.
Mama: How could this have happened, I only ordered a few knick knacks.
Iola: Few knicknacks? Thelma you've got more cheap junk on display than the
dime toss at the fair.
Vint: Bubba go get those boxes from the garage, all this stuff has got to go
back.
Mama: No, I can't do that. What would Travis say?
Iola: Thelma they give you thirty days to decide. We can pack this stuff
up right now and get you a full refund.
Mama: No no I won't part with my precious things. I will earn the money. I
know I'll take in borders.
Naomi: Where are you going to put them in all this mess.
Vint: Yea there's bearly room for us.
Mama: Well then I guess you'll just have to find another place to live.
Iola: Thelma get a grip, what is more important? Teleshopper or your family.
(pause)
Iola: Well?
Mama: Don't rush me I'm thinking.
Naomi: Miss Harper-
Mama: Alright I guess all of this stuff is going to have to go back.
Vint: That's the spirit.
Mama: Yes sir Thelma Harper has learned her lesson. (her ring) My that catches
the light.
Vint: Mama.
Mama: Thelma Harper has turned on teleshopper for the last time.(sobs)
Living Room-Boxes are stacked with "Return To Sender" taped on them.
Mama slowly opens the door. Seeing the coast is clear she walks up
to the TV. She turns it on and an alarm sounds off.
Mama: What the-
Iola, Naomi, Bubba and Vint run into the living room.
Mama: What the h*** is going on?!
Vint: So you've turned on teleshopper for the last time, huh Mama?
Mama: That wasn't teleshopper that was face the nation. Very educational.
Iola: I think it's time you face the music, Thelma. Admit it, you can't
stop yourself.
Mama: Oh don't be ridiculous, Iola I'm in complete control.
Mama sits in her chair and we hear a noise from under her cusion.
Naomi: What was that noize?
Mama: What noise?
Bubba: From under your cusion?
Mama: Well for Heaven's sakes Bubba I'm an old woman.
Vint: Mama get up and show us what's under there.
Mama gets up.
Mama: See nothing.
Vint pulls the cusion off to reveal a zirconia necklace.
Vint: Mama
Mama: Ohh well how did that get in there.
Naomi: No use holding out on us Miss Harper. The jewelry has to go back too.
Mama: Well there you are that's all there is.
Iola: Thelma.
Mama: Oh alright.
Mama walks over to a lamp and pulls out some jewelry.
Mama: This just came in the mail today I ain't even had a chance
to wear it yet.
Mama hands it to Iola.
Bubba: Everything Grandma.
Mama: Everything?
Vint: Everything.
Mama walks into the bathroom and flushes the toilet. She comes
out with some perls.
Iola: Oh Thelma have you sunk so low.
Mama: Well they came from the ocean. A little water wont' hurt them. (hands
them over to Iola)
Vint: Mama face it you're a teleshoppa holic.
Mama: Uh-oh you always think it'll happen to somebody else.
Naomi: It's not your fault Miss Harper. It's a disease. You can't help yourself.
Iola: No. But we your loving family can. It's time for those of us who love you
to nip this thing in the bud.
Iola sits on the couch and pulls out a Zirconian tiaree'
Iola: Thelma.
The Living Room
Bint, Naomi and Bubba are sitting on the couch.
Vint: ALrigt now we all know what were going to do. Just remember we're doing
this for Mama's own good.
Iola and Mama enter.
Mama: Oh Iola I don't know.
Iola: Trust me Thelma. This avversion therapy is going to work wonders.
Naomi: Yea its' going to take that teleshopper monkey right off of your back.
Mama: Now wait just a minute. Does this avversion thereapy have anything to do
with rubber rooms and electric shocks?
Iola: No Thelma, of course not. It's the latest thing. Dr. Joyce Brothers
explained it all the other day on Good morning America.
Mama: Oh don't you just miss Davit Harman. Noone could could fill out a blazer
like he did. Except Jane Pollie every nine months.
Bubba: All you have to do is pretend that this is just an ordinary night and
we're all just going to sit down and watch TV.
Mama: Well that ought to be pretty easy to pretend.
Naomi: Yea, just one big happy family.
Mama: That'll be a lot harder.
Iola: What should we watch on TV?
Vint: I know how about teleshopper.
Naomi: Great idea, they have such great bargains.
Mama: Well Good Lord I feel like I'm watching TV with the Stepford children.
Mama: Oh look there's Travis.
Travis: Tonight's Zirconia extravaganza begins with this kidney shaped ring.
Naomi: Oh that is gorgeous.
Mama: Idn't it.
Bubba: I never knew a kidney could look so good.
Vint: I bet you'd have to pay over a hundred bucks for that baby instores.
Travis: It can be yours for a mere 17.50
Everyone: Ohhh
Mama: Well see. Who can pass up a deal like that. I'm calling in.
(starts dialing)
Naomi: Look at the sparkle on that thing.
Vint: Yea I've never seen anything like it.
Mama: I'm calling. Here I go...Hello teleshopper, I would like to order-
Everyone:NO! (hits Mama on the head with rolled up newspapers.
Mama: What the h*** is going on here.
Iola: Well it's part of the avversion therapy Thelma. It's the same way
they train household pets.
Mama: Well all I did was pick up the phone. I didn't make a mess on the
floor.
Naomi: Just relax Miss Harper and enjoy your show.
Mama: Alright. Don't do that again.
Travis: Here's a toot toot treat . I've only got three of these rings left
and I'm giving them out for only 9.99.
Bubba: Boy Grandma that ring would really look good on you.
Naomi: Yea you've really got the knuckles to carry it off.
Mama : Yes and it would look good with practically everything I own.
Iola: And 9.99
Mama: It's a once in a lifetime deal. (low) I'm calling.
Mama starts dialing quietly.
Mama: (whispering into phone) Hello teleshopper. I would like to order the-
Everyone: NO! (hits Mama with rolled up newspapers)
Mama: I'm getting really teed off.
Bubba: Grandma it's for your own good.
Mama: If you think beating an old lady senseless is for her own good then
you need therapy worse than me.
Iola: You can turn off the teleshopper whenever you want.
Mama: Oh well now that you say so(start to turn off TV)
Travis: Gee, I haven't heard from my good friend Thelma lately. Thelma if you're
listening out there I sure do miss your voice.
Mama: Oh well doesn't this just break your heart? That sweet boy misses me
Travis: I tell you what Thelma. If you call in just to say "hi" I'll give you
this last ring for free.
Mama: FREE!Did you hear that for free. I promise this'll be my last call. I
will say goodbye to Travis forever.
Iola: Well what do ya'll think. One last call?
Naomi: She is a grown woman.
Bubba: And it is for free.
Vint: Go for it, Mama.
Mama starts dialing.
Mama: Thank you you guys are the most wondeful family in the whole wide
world...Hello teleshopper I want to order that ring.
Everyone: NO! (hits her with rolled up newspapers)
Mama: That does it I'm turning it off.
Mama gets up and turns off the TV. The family celebrates.
Naomi: Way to go Miss Harper.
Iola: Thelma I admit it was a bit undignified but you will remember
this rotten experience everytime you turn on teleshopper.
Mama: Well I believe you're right. I don't think I'll ever turn on
teleshopper again.
Vint: See Mama doesn't that make you feel better?
Mama: No, but this does.
Mama grabs newspaper from Vint and hits everyone on the head with it
hard.
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