Mama's Family Quotes

Eunice is upset with Mama with for giving Vinton her daddy's sapphire ring that she promised to her. Eunice goes up to the piano to sing her solo during the wedding half drunk:
Eunice: (singing:) Oh promise me that some day you and I,will take our love up to some distant sky.[the piano continues to play but the rest is spoken:] (glaring at Mama) What is a promise? There are many kinds of promises: like the promiseof romantic love,or the promise that a young one makes when it crosses it's heart and hopes to die. But the most sacred promise of them all is that which a Mama makes to her daughter. That is a promise that is written in BLOOD!!
Mama: Get a grip on yourself Eunice, or I'll kill you.
Eunice: Looks like you write all of your promises in disappearing ink, old lady. Like the time when I was twelve you promised me a two-wheeler. I have yet to see that sucker. And Ellen, every time I turn around, has a new Schwinn sitting under her fat fanny.
Ellen: I earned every one of those bikes.
Eunice: All you've ever done is weasel. Like you weaseled a new Cadillac, and you weaseled a rich husband and then you laugh at me behind my back because I have a dumb cluck like Ed.
Ed: Now you wait a minute.
Eunice: Who pressed your button, you goon?

8: "Fran's Dress"
Mama has just burnt Fran's dress:
Ellen: Aunt Fran's not a total hysteric she'll understand.
Mama: You really think so?
Ellen: No.

Eunice has just given Vint a box of films:

Vint: Eunice,does one of these have me on the roof with my Batman cape?
Eunice: Yea,and it shows when you jumped off and you nearly knocked yourself out.
Mama: Well, Eunice that was all your fault. You screamed "The house is on fire,Vinton,jump!"

11. "Double Standard"
Mama: Your curfue is up on my couch so take whatever you're doing down there down to the basement!

12. "Mama Gets a Job"
Naomi is painting her toenails on the coffee table.
Mama: Don't you think that should be done in the privacy of your own bedroom?
Naomi: Some things are done in the privacy of my own bedroom.
Mama: I know! I know! All the time!
Vinton: It's part of the marriage contract.
Mama: Well I've got a contract with the exterminator but he doesn't come over here and spray for bugs every blessed night of the week!

Job Counselor: Do you know how to answer a phone?
Mama: No, usually when it rings I just run around in little circles yelling "Whaty'll I do, Whaty'll I do!"

(Mama was being questioned by Job Interviewer)
Job Interviewer (JI): Are you married?
Mama: No, I'm widowed.
JI: I'm sorry.
Mama: So is he.
JI: Did you graduate from college?
Mama: No.
JI: High School?
Mama: No
JI: But you did complete Grade School.
Mama: Well, boy, this is sure Pick on Thelma Harper Day, isn't it?

Vint: Mama, can I talk to you?
Mama: Well, yes grab a towel and help with the dishes.
Vint: No, Mama, I can't think and dry dishes.
Mama: Well, how do you know? You've never really tried either.

Customer: We're going to Tahiti!
Mama: Tahiti?! Well you wouldn't know it by the look of the two of you that you had a nickel to your name!

Mama: (on phone to Vint) Maybe that wife of yours could learn how to use the iron. Just tell her that the flat side goes down!

Mama: (to customer) Well you're sure in an all-fired hurry to see them naked women, ain't you?

Mama: (to Vint) Have you ever seen and of them Walt Disney wildlife movies? You know, like where a Mama has a bunch of baby birds in her nest?
Vint: Yeah, I love those.
Mama: Yeah, and the Mama bird protects the babies and takes care of them and feeds 'em and does all that for 'em, until the time that she feels that maybe they're ready to be out on their own?
Vint: Yeah?
Mama: So then she just kinda gives them a little nudge out of the nest, and if they can fly, they fly away. But if they can't--SPLAT!
Vint: What're you tryin' to tell me?
Mama: Vinton, don't ever climb a tree with me!

14."A Grave Mistake"
Mama and Ellen go to check into the grave burial mix-up...

Employee (as Mama rushes out upset:) Is there anything I can do?
Ellen: Yes, why don't you just bury people in alphabetical order.

15. "The Mama who Came to Dinner"
Guest: Would you mind if I ask what you're doing down there?
Mama: Of course not. I'm the new through rug. It's the bear's week off.

Mama: (to Vint & Naomi, after hearing doorbell) Your company's here! Open the da-n door and let the good times roll!

Mama: (to guest sitting on coffee table) Do you usually park it on your coffee table at home?

Mama: (after being covered up by TV trays and tablecloth by Naomi, who just left her alone in the dark) . . .Help! Help! Is someone out there walkin' their dog?! Shoot, there must be. I find them little presents on my lawn every mornin'!

Ellen: Now let's just take these dishcloths and clean up those jars.
Eunice: There is nothing wrong with those jars.
Naomi: Now how does this think work? I've never dried a dry jar before.
Eunice: I think you've stepped off one curb too many.
Mama: Hey looky everybody,look: if you use a dish towel these spots rub right off.
Mama looks up in the air in wonder:
Mama: Where did they go?
Ellen: Spot heaven Mama.

Eunice: (about Mama) If that old lady gets any worse we're going to have to bring out the whoopee squad.

Ellen: Did you get the sugar Naomi?
Naomi: Yea. (to Eunice) Hand this over to Ellen.
Eunice: You birdbrain. This is powdered sugar!
Naomi: Was I supposed to buy the liquid?

The jam starts bubbling:
Naomi: I'll get the doorbell.
Eunice: That's the berries you nitwit!

Eunice is telling her story of how Mama got hurt cooking gooseberry jam:

Mama: Naomi, did you remember to buy the sugar?
Naomi: Oh I never buy sugar. (pours a bunch of sugar packets out of her purse)
Eunice: Well Naomi,you unpredictable little scamp. What is all that?
Naomi: Well this is my sugar packet collection. I pick them up in motels. Each and every one has a different name on it.
Ellen picks one up.
Ellen: Arthur's hideaway and laudaret. You tumble,we dry?
Naomi: Yea.
Mama: Well that is disgusting. I can't take jam to a church bizarre made with x-rated sugar!

The berries start to bubble:

Naomi: Oh it is so hot in this kitchen. (looking down her dress:)I can practically hear those beads of sweat popping out all over me.
Mama: That's the berries,you tramp!

26. "Harper Versus Harper"

Judge: Now, Mrs. Naomi Harper, did you lend the vaccuum cleaner to Mrs. Harper?
Naomi: No. Actually it was my husband who lent it to her. Had I been present at the time I would have said no.
Mama: Hah, she ain't never said no in her life!
Judge: Let her speak.
Mama: You can't believe a word this woman says you know. She's been married three time.
Judge: So have I!
Mama: Uh-oh!

After a few moments, Mama questions Vint. Mama: Just what kind of work is it that you do?
Vint: I'm a locksmith Mama, you know that.
Mama: Just answer the question.
Vint: I'm a locksmith. Mama: He's a locksmith.
Mama: Isn't it true that you've made 3 sets of keys in the last 2 months for a 1 Naomi Harper?
Vint: Well, yes.
Mama: Why. Why?!
Vint: Because she kept losing them all over the place.
Mama: That's it, case dismissed. Give me the money you lamebrain!

27. "Mama Learns to Drive"

Mama: I only drove one time in my life. In 1946. I started out with a sedan and came home with a convertible!

Buzz: What does a green light mean?
Mama: It means I'm gonna hafta yell at Frannie or she'll sit there all day.
Sonja: What does a yellow light mean?
Mama: It means Naomi's gonna speed up and try to kill us both.
Buzz: What does a red light mean?
Mama: It means Ellen's gonna fix her hair in the rear-view mirror.

Naomi: Oh, Miss Harper, you know what they say. If you fall off a horse, you're supposed to climb right back up on it again.
Ellen: Spoken like a women with saddle sores!

(Mama just crashed Ellen's Seville.)
Ellen: (Ellen waiks in.) Stand your ground old lady!
Mama: Well Ellen baby look onn the bright side at least nobody was hurt.
Vint: Hurt! Were there any other cars involved?
Mama: No, just Ellen's.
Ellen: And the cement tree planter in the middle of the parking lot!
Mama: Now I still say I had the right-of-way .
Ellen: You were going 35 miles an hour in reverse!
Mama: Well I was backin' up so I wouldn't hit that little kid on the bicycle.
Ellen: That was a Cabbage Patch doll in a toy store window!

Mama: (strutting into the house after having gotten her driver's license in spite of the doubts of her family, tossing car keys to Fran) If I were you, Frannie, I'd check the alignment on my wheels. That baby shimmys bad over 60.

28. "Black Belt Mama"

Fran: (speaking about mugging to Mama) Thelma, why don't you admit you're scared?
Mama: I'm not scared!
Fran: Well, you should be. Get your head out of the sand and look at the world around you!
Mama: Oh, why don't you take your head and go soak it?!

29. "Mama Buys a Car"

Fran: Well, it's true that a driver's license will not guarantee independence. Without a car a driver's license is just an unflattering picture with your real birthdate.
Mama: Frannie, you know what I'm gonna do?
Fran: Have your picture retaken?
Mama: No Fran, I'm going to buy myself a car.
Fran: With what?
Mama: I got me a thousand bucks saved up in mad money.
Fran: Mad money?
Mama: Yeah, you know in case I ever went mad, you'd all have enough money to put me in a home. What do you think?
Fran: If we haven't put you in a home by now I guess we never will.

Naomi: I just can't believe it's only been a year since we were married.
Mama: I'll say, you've already gone through the lifetime warranty on your matress.

36. "Farewell, Frannie"

Naomi: Don't you think this family has a right to know how Frannie died?
Mama: Well, I most certainly do. It was natural causes.
Vint: What does that mean?
Mama: It means she wasn't murdered or beamed up by martians. Subject closed.

Naomi: (watching Iola prepare buffet for the wake) Iola, I think the silverware belongs at the other end of the line.
Iola: I am a home economics major, Naomi. I believe I know how to lay a buffet.
Naomi: I'll bet that's the only thing.

Mama: Vinton, you're gonna have to take Uncle Don's place as pallbearer.
Vint: Awww, Mama, do I have to? I've never been that close to a dead person before.
Mama: Oh, Vinton, for cryin' out loud! The casket's got handles. I ain't askin' you to give her a piggy-back ride.

Vint: You look pertty, Mama.
Mama: Well, thank you, baby. This is the same dress I buried your Daddy in.
Vint: Gee, I always thought he was wearin' a suit.

Mama: Poor Frannie. She deserves better than a no-show funeral. Especially after the humiliatin' way she died.
Iola: Then you were with her when she went?
Mama: Oh, yes.
Vint: Then it happened here at home?
Mama: Oh, no.
Iola: In the hospital?
Mama: Not exactly.
Naomi: Well, where exactly?
Mama: Well what difference does it make?! She's just as dead whether she died at home, or in the hospital, or in the ladies' room at the Bigger Jigger.
Naomi: The lady's room?
Iola: At the Bigger Jigger?
Mama: It was all my fault. I insisted that we go there for that all-you-can-eat special.
Vint: Don't blame yourself, Mama. That all-you-can-eat is hard to resist.
Mama: I had the catfish, and Frannie ordered a cold roast beef sandwich. Well, with her very first bite she got this string of roast beef caught between her teeth. She tried pullin' at it. Nothin. She tried pushin' at it with her tongue but it wouldn't budge. She tried using the corner from a matchbook--all that did was make it worse. She was gettin' crazy, and to tell you the truth, it was startin' to make me a little sick. She excused herself, grabbed a toothpick off the bar and she went running into the lady's room. Well, it seemed like she was in there for an eternity. I guess I'd put away about three of them catfish. My beer had kinda begun to hit me, and so I decided to have a little fun with her.
Naomi: Fun?
Mama: Well, yeah, you know--like a little joke. What I did was I cut the tail off of one of my catfish, and I put it in between my front teeth. Then I threw open the lady's room door and I said, "Just be glad you didn't order fish!"
Iola: Did Fran laugh?
Mama: Well, I'd like to think she would have. But she had that dang toothpick in her mouth.
Vint: Well, what happened?
Mama: Well when she saw me with my fish tail, she made a big gasp, let go of the toothpick, and inhaled that sucker!
Naomi: Good Grief!
Mama: Before I could do anything to help her she went rushing into the stall, locked the door behind her, and she never come out. Doctor says she never knew what hit her. But I think that when you choke on a toothpick you can't help but know.

Mama: Well, I thought the service was just perfect, all things considered.
Vint: Oh, Mama, I'm so sorry.
Mama: Nobody said it was your fault, Vinton.
Vint: Oh, it was me all right. I was the one who shut that hearse door.I'll never forget that casket flyin' out the back of the hearse and slidin' down the off ramp at the interstate.

Naomi: We were just telling the Reverend how much we enjoyed his service.
Mama: Oh my, yes. I thought it was just perfect.
Reverend Meechum: They really did a splendid job on Fran, don't you think? Very life-like and natural. Especially with that little piece of roast beef stuck between her teeth.

Aunt Effie: I remember when I gave Fran those opal earrings. She said, "Aunt Effie, if anything happens to me, I want you to have 'em. Even if I'm buried in 'em. Dig me up and take 'em back!"

Mama: Look how they cut your hair in that reform school.
Bubba: It wasn't reform school Grandma it was juvenile hall.
Mama: It's a family disgrace no matter what you call it.
Bubba: It wasn't my fault! That judge had it in for me. Who ever heard of given a kid time just for running away from home?
Mama: In a stolen car! I never thought I would live to see the day when a member of my family would wind up behind bars.
Bubba: They don't have bars at juvenile hall, Grandma!
Mama: You lower your voice.You're in my house now, not reform school.
Bubba: Juvenile Hall! Juvenile Hall!
Mama: I don't care if you call it Miss Esthers finishing school!

Bubba: What do I have to do to be loved in this family? Wait 'til I die?
Mama: One more word and it won't be much longer!

Mama: I'm sorry Frannie, but your perfect day has gone to hell in a handbasket. I sure hope you haven't done the same.

Bubba: (whining) Parents are supposed to love you and take care of you, my parents sent me to reform school.
Mama:(to the people:)It was really juvenile hall.

Bubba: I've been abandoned, just like Punky Brewster

(Naomi is doing a sexy walk.) Mama: I hope you're not doing that for the test tonight. Naomi: For your information I'm doing the stewardess glide. Mama:You're supposed to be a flight attendant, not a pigeon in heat.

(The family is trapped in the basement by the storm.)
Vint: If only we had a spoon we could dig our way out.
Mama: Real good Vinton, and if we had a bar of soap we could carve ourselves a gun and shoot our way out.

Vint: Well, I got an idea.
Mama: That's a first.
Vint: I'll get out my playing cards.
Iola: Well, Vinton, that's a wonderful idea.
Mama: They better not be those slutty ones.
Vint: (Walking to the shelf) NO! I keep those at the shop!
Thanks to the The Welch's

Vint: Hey you remember that tornado that hit Uncle Clyde's barn? It threw a 2x4 right threw one of his cows!
Aunt Effie: Yeah, Ya' know to this day that cow's milk tastes just like pine-sol!

47. "Grandma USA"

Thelma is cleaning her oven and Bubba walks in.
Bubba: Hey grandma! What are you up to?
Mama: Well take your pick, Bubba, I'm either cleaning the oven or commiting suicide!

48. "Where there's Smoke"

Mama dials 911 and gets put on hold.
Mama: They want you to listen to Barry Manilow while you're waitin' for your throat to get slit.

Bubba: Think about those poor children. If Santa doesn't show up they're going to tear me apart!

(Bubba annouces tp everyone at the mall that Santa is here)
Mama: "Ho,Ho,Ho." (Trying to sit down because all the kids are around her grabbing her) "Excuse me, boys and girls. Let me sit down. Excuse me." (Yells) "OK THAT'S ENOUGH, BACK OFF!!!!!!"
Kid: "Boy Santa sure is on a bummer."
Maynard: "That's not the real Santa!"
Dori: "Is is too!"
Maynard: "No way, that's all padding!" (Punches Mamain the stomach)
Mama: "Let me at that over-grown rugrat!"
Bubba: "Santa, you're supposed to be jolly."
Mama: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, ho, ho ,ho."
Bubba: "You'll have to excuse Santa, he just flew in from the North Pole, and suffering a terrible case of sleigh-lag."
Maynard's Mother: "Well, his higencs have over-stimulated my little Maynard!"
Mama: "If your little Maynard lays another finger on Santa, I'm gonna over-stimulate his backside! Alright who's first?"
Maynard: "Me, Me!"
Mama: "Swell! Alright, kid talk fast!"
Maynard: "This won't take long, I just what I want. I want Master Wars, Repulsa, an Oozie that squirts water, space monsters, and a dart board."
Mama: "Sounds like you want a hostile Christmas, Rambo"
Maynard: "I believe in a strong military."
Mama: "Been a good little boy, Maynard?"
Maynard: "Don't give me that guff, just bring it. Oh, yeah, and I want an air- rifle."
Mother: "No, Santa can't bring you an air-rifle! You could get hurt."
Mama: "Oh, you're so right. (To Maynard) I'll make sure 'ya get one."

53. "Birthright"

Mama: What you got there, Iola?
Iola: Oh, I wanted to show you what I made mother for Mother's Day.
Naomi: How cute, what is it for, Kleenex?
Iola: No, It's a petty point medicine box. You see, I made a separate compartment for each day out of plastic eggshell. She can put all of her pills in there for the enitre week and avoid grappling with annoying childproof caps.
Mama: Oh. I get it, sort of a Whitman's Sampler for drugs.

Mama explains the mistake on Vint's birth certificate.
Vint: Oh, how convenient.
Mama: You wouldn't say that if you ever gave birth in a hen house.

(Mama snuck in to Vint's first Cobra meeting.)
Cobra: From the bottom of my pit, I hiss you! Mama: Well, off the top of my hat I say howdy!

Vint tries to get in the cobras. He brought Mama's recipes instead of crib notes to help him.
Grand Viper: Question #1. What do you do to a fellow cobra who has broken the cobra oath?
Vint: (looks at notes) Whip vigourously until frothy.
Grand Viper: Question #2. Now think carefully. How long must you be a cobra until you can serve as grand viper?
Vint: It takes only 30 minutes for the scum to rise to the top.

Mama: Private Higgins, Grab your clothes and follow me;
We'll have pie and watch TV

S57 "Mama With the Golden Arm"

Mama: (to Naomi) Your idea of a workout includes a man, a bed, and a cigarette afterwards!
Naomi: That is a total lie! I've never even smoked a cigarette in my life!

Naomi: I don't know Miss Harper. At work, I never use half the things I learned in school.
Mama: That's because half the stuff you learned in school you learned in the back of a pickup..

Mama: (to waiter) How are those ribs tonight?
Waiter: Pretty spicy ma'am, you might want to try something a little easier on your stomach. I recommend the senior citizen's plate. All the meat's been pulled off the bone.
Mama: That's good, 'cause they don't trust me with a knife and fork over at the home.

Naomi: Ms. harper, how did you become such an expert on arm wrestling?
Mama: The same way that you became such an expert on peroxide, I've been around it my whole life.

Mama: I'm supposed to be getting ready for my match tonight, and y'all have got me so tired I can barely pull down my own drawers let alone somebody's arm.

Mama: Let's just face it, this is one little engine that can't.
Vint: Don't worry mama, you've got your family behind you.
Mama: I'm doomed.

61."Zirconias Are a Girl's Best Friend"

(Everyone hits Mama with a newspaper for trying to call Tele-Shopper) Mama: What the hell's going on here?
Iola: It's part of the aversion therapy, Thelma, it's the same technique used to train household pets.
Mama: Well all I did was use the phone, I didn't make a mess on the floor!

Mama: Remember,price is no object. I'm willing to pay up to 30 bucks for this sucker.

101."Mama In One"
Mama: It's for you Mr. Goodwrench.It's one of your stupid pronies!!
Vint: Which one?
Mama: Take this d- - n reciever out of my hand before I beat your butt with it!!

105. "Reading the Riot Act"
Vinton: Well why didn't you just tell Lollie no at the meeting.
Mama: Vinton a church lady does not say no to her President,instead you just smile politely then you just come home and take the d- - n phone off the hook!

112. "An Affair to Forget"
Bubba: Grandma can you iron my shirt I've got a date with Becky Spencer.
Vinton: I thought Terrie Gebhart was your girlfriend.
Bubba: Well she is but if I play my cards right Becky Spencer will be too.
Vinton: Oh you sly dog.
Mama: Yea well that sly dog better watch out or he's going to wind up neutered.

Vinton: (to Naomi:) What do you say when I get home I give you a nice oil massage.
Mama: You stay out of my Wesson I'm cooking chicken tonight!

Iola: Oh Naomi what you're going through is perfectly natural. Oprah did a show on it just last week.
Mama: There you go Iola what'de she say?
Iola: Well if memory serves me correct she said that 36.5 percent of married men loose interest in their married wives.

Iola: Well I would love to persue this further but I better get home before the TV station signs off. If mother hears the National Anthem she'll try to stand up.

Mama: Eat up sweety it does a mother's heart good to see her son enjoying her home cooking.
Vinton: I thought this was from the Colonel?
Mama: Well I took it out of the bucket myself.

Naomi: Miss Harper where is the ham?
Mama: Well I believe it's in that little pink box called the refrigerator.

124. "Mama Get's Goosed"
Mama: We should be awarded the shopper's medal of honor.
Iola: You'de think people would be nicer around Christmas time!
Mama: Well isn't that the truth? I practically had to wrestle that Nun to the ground to get this 'Peace and Joy' candle!

Bubba: Well Grandma, here's something that'll fill you with holliday cheer. Aunt Effie sent you a fruitcake.
Mama: Oh, well that's really sweet. Wait a minute, this is the same fruitcake I sent her last year! Talk about cheesy, recycling presents!
Iola: I couldn't agree more , Thelma. That's the fruitcake I gave you two years ago.

Mama has just recieved a goose from her cousin to cook for Christmas dinner.

Vint: Mama, we're not really going to kill him are we?
Mama: Well it makes eating him so much easier.