Mama's Family Episode #89
"The Really Loud Family"
Transcribed by Bill Phillips
SCENE ONE:
(Dining Room. Vint and Naomi. Mama enters with plate of food.)
Mama: Where in the world is Bubba? He should have been home from
school hours ago!
Naomi: Maybe he's at the college library, cracking those books.
Mama: Yeah, more than likely he's on some street corner cracking his
knuckes. But, I'm not running no college cafeteria...this is one
pleasant family meal he is just gonna have to miss out on. Pass the
damn rolls.
Vint: Oh, no. Fish again?
Mama: Quit complaining Vinton. Fish is brain food. Better give you a
double portion.
Phone rings.
Naomi: I'll get it.
Mama: Don't answer that phone. I've been letting it ring all day long,
it's that pest Roselle Hupplander.
Naomi: How do you know it's Roselle?
Mama: Because it's Toys for Orphans time again, and I'm not about to
let Roselle rope me into heading up that toy drive again this year.
Vint: Mama, I though you liked orphans?
Mama: Of course I like orphans, who the hell doesn't? Give it up it's
Roselle (PHONE STOPS). I ought to be in her patsy? I do all the work,
and she gets all the glory.
Naomi: But, Miss Harper, that might have been somebody important.
Mama: Who important would be calling us?
(Iola enters)
Iola: Knock, Knock. I just tried calling you.
Mama: See.
Iola: There something wrong with you phone?
Mama: No, pull up a chair Iola.
Iola: I told mother someone in the neighborhood was cooking fish.
Thelma, I ran into Roselle Hupplander today, and she and I decided that
you would be perfect choice to head up the Toys for Orphans drive.
Mama: Iola, with friends like you, who needs family?
(Bubba enters)
Bubba: Hey Everybody, guess what I got.
Mama: A plate full of cold crappy. Where the hell have you been?
Bubba: Well, I had to stay after class. I tried calling but nobody
answered. (Everyone looks at Mama)
Mama: Don't look at me, it's Roselle's fault.
Bubba: I was learning how to use the school camera. I have to make a
video for my Sociology class.
Mama: It better not be one of those trashy music videos with a bunch
of misfits in spandex gyrating in the fog.
Bubba: No grandma. Each student has to make a video about his own
family.
Naomi: That's so exciting Bubba. I would LOVE to be in your video!
Bubba: And, the best 3 videos are gonna be aired on public access TV.
Everyone: Wow
Mama: Televison? Why didn't you say so in the first place? Shoot, I
gotta go make myself an appointment at the beauty spot.
Bubba: No, No. Grandma. Don't do anything special. I want to capture
you just the way you are.
Mama: I'm not about to be captured without my new blue rinse. But,
don't worry. If just plain Harpers is what you want, then just plain
Harpers is what you'll get!
SCENE TWO
Dining Room. Everyone (but Iola). Bubba is taping.
Bubba: Okay, lets take it from the top. And, 5 4 3 2 1 action.
(from camera's view)
Vint: Mama, could you please pass me some more of that delicious fish?
I would love to have another helping.
Mama: I would be more than happy to, Vint, my one and only son. (into
camera) I just love cooking for my family, they bring me such joy.
(end)
Bubba: CUT!
Mama: What's the matter, did Vinton screw it up again?
Bubba: Grandma, you gotta quit looking into the camera, and will the
rest of you please act the way you always do?
Naomi: Oh, Bubba! We're doing the best we can!
Vint: It's not easy carrying Mama in every scene.
Mama: (smacks Vint) Why, I'm barely even in this thing with you
feeding your face, and Blondie over here showing off her shoulders.
Bubba: PLEASE! Now, can we try this again?
Mama: FINE!
Bubba: Action.
(b camera view)
Mama: Naomi, would you care for a piece of my delicious Pecan Pie?
Naomi: Why, thank you so much Miss Harper, I would be most grateful.
Iola Enters
(end)
Iola: Ding Dong
Mama: Look who's here. It's our favorite neighbor, Iola Boyland.
Won't you please come join us dear?
Iola: Thank You Thelma. You're such a wonderful hostess.
(Phone Rings)
(bcam)
Vint: Mama, may I please leave the table to answer the phone?
Mama: Yes Vint. You may.
Iola: Why Thelma, you're children are so well-mannered.
Mama: Why thank you Iola. How well-mannered of you to notice.
Vint: Harper Residence. (pause) OOh, one moment please. (pause)
Mama, Roselle Hupplander is on the line.
Mama: I think that must be a wrong number dear, I don't know anyone by
that name. Hang up.
Vint: Sure you know her mama. She's calling about the toys for
orphans.
Mama: Oh, that Roselle Hupplander. Hello Roselle. Well, what can I
say, I couldnt' refuse if I wanted to. (pause) My family will be more
than happy to pitch in too. (pause) Say What? (pause) The truck will
dumping all the broken toys on my lawn tomorrow morning at 6 am. (pause)
Oh Goody. Yeah. Same to you dear. Bye - Bye.
(end)
Bubba: That's funny. The red light's went off. Ah, darn, I bet it
didn't tape half of that phone conversation.
Mama: What? You mean I just said yes to fixing a lawn full of trashed
out toys and you didn't get it? What kind of a fly by night director
are you?
Bubba: Now, relax Grandma.
Mama: Forget your re-shoot, if you need me, I'll be in my dressing
room. (to bathrooom)
SCENE THREE:
Outside. Mama comes out door. Toys on lawn.
Mama: Well, Good Night. My lawn looks like an explosion at Toys R Us.
(mama bends over. Bubba enters.)
Bubba: hold that position Grandma.
Mama: Well, Bubba. I told you I don't have any time for home movies
now, I've only got 2 weeks to fix all these toys for my little orphans.
Bubba: Ooh, Im just shooting some new stuff. Almost everything I got
yesterday was unuseable.
Mama: What about my big scene boneing the crappy?
Bubba: It's too fake. I want realism. I want everybody to just act
natural.
Mama: Fine, Inger Mar, here's natural. Get the hell off my porch.
(Bubba exits.)
SCENE FOUR:
(dining room. Naomi and Bubba)
Bubba: Hey, Aunt Naomi. You and that doll would make a great scene,
keep working on it.
Naomi: Oh. Okay, Bubba. I just love playing with dolls. If Vint and I
have a daughter, I'm gonna buy her lots of dolls. In fact, I'm gonna
buy her everything I never had.
Bubba: Like what?
(b cam view)
Naomi: Well, like a pet of her own for one thing. I'll never forget
when I was about 8 years old, the cutest little mut followed me home
from school one day. I named him Marlon. After Brando. Even as a
child I knew who was hot. Well, my parents didn't want me to keep him,
but I didn't care what my parents thought. Every night I'd leave my
window open and Marlon would sneak into my room. He'd sleep in my room
all night long. I'd rub his belly and he would lick my face. So, you
can bet when I get a little girl, I'm gonna get her the cutest little
puppy I can find.
(end)
Bubba: Cut, Print! Aunt Naomi, a star is born.
SCENE FIVE
(outside Vint and Bubba)
Bubba: Tell me Uncle Vint, where did you learn how to fix things?
(bcam)
Vint: Oh, I guess you could say from Mama. Every time daddy went out
of town on business, something around the house would break, and Mama
would try to fix it. I remember the time she tried to plaster the
bathroom ceiling. She had mixed up the plaster in my old wagon, and
wheeled it into the bathroom, see. There she was, standing on the
toilet plastering away, when she stepped back to admire her work, and
put her foot right into the wagon. The wheels started moving, and
plaster went flying, and Mama fell off the wagon. There was plaster on
the walls and in the bathtub and Mama. She got completely plastered.
What a mess. That's when she started having men in to do the household
repairs. But she made us kids swear not to tell daddy. He'd come home,
and he's swear he was married to the greatest repairwoman since
Josephene the plummer.
(end)
SCENE SIX:
(kitchen Bubba and Iola)
Bubba: Miss Boyland, how come there are so many chairs in doll houses?
You never see any of the dolls sitting around in them.
Iola: You see, they aren't for the dolls that live in the house Bubba.
They're for company
Bubba: Oh, uh, Miss Boyland, did you have a doll house when you were a
little girl?
(bcam)
Iola: Better yet. I had a doll hospital. I became such a good dolly
doctor. You grandma asked me to see what I could do about Ellen and
Euinice's dolls. I'll never forget the shock when Thelma took me into
her daughter's bedroom and I first saw those pitiful dolls. Those poor
things had been completely negelected. They were dirty, their clothes
were in rags. I don't think their hair had been washed in years. One
of them could hardly say Mama. And the betsy wetsy was dry as a bone.
I asked Thema how she could stand to see them that way. And she said if
that's the way they want to treat their dolls, it's fine with me. Why
should I clean them up, they'll just get dirty again. Well, I cleaned
them up, just as good as new. Of course, the next day Eunice decided to
play Joan of Arc. She burned them at the stake.
(end)
SCENE SEVEN:
(living room. Mama and Bubba)
Bubba: Grandma, that's good. Keep it up.
Mama: Bubba, I told you I hate that thing.
Bubba: Just pretend it's not here. Just start talking.
Mama: about what?
Bubba: I don't know. Anything.
Mama: Well, I don't know about anything, but my family.
Bubba: So, talk about them.
(bcam)
Mama: The truth is, when I think about my family, my kids and all their
kids. It kinda chokes me up. I really mean it. I know that none of us
has set the world on fire. Except for cousin Oscar, and that was just a
service station. All in all, I'm very proud of us Harpers. And when I
think about what has happened to the family unit these days, it just
turns my stomach. Husbands beating their wives, wives cheating on their
husbands. Kids running wild. And you know where I place all the
blame? On all these TV shows that are supposed to be so funny. They
got kids being raised by everyone but their parents. One program
there's a butler raising the kids, another one's got an aunt, raising
Rhoda's kids. There's even a program with 3 guys raising kids, you
don't even know where they came from. It might be all right with those
network honchos but it doesn't sit right with this old lady. I guess
some people would say I'm a failure with a mother, but when all my
children gather 'round at Christmas, before the mood turns ugly, they
always Mama, you're the greatest. And I would have to agree with them.
(end)
(Vint screams)
Mama: Good Lord, what now?
(Iola runs in) Iola: That sounded like Vint
Naomi (voice): Miss Harper, come quick!
(Outside)
Iola, Mama, and Bubba run out. Vint fell in a box of toys.
Mama: What in the world are you doing?
Naomi: Oh, it was horrible. He tried out that pair of Mr. Springy Feet
and the next thing I knew he was flying through the air!
(help vint out)
Iola: Vint, are you all right?
Vint: Yeah, Lucky thing I fell in all these stuffed toys.
Mama: Lucky for who? These are all the toys we've already fixed, you
big goon. Take those things off so I can hit you.
Naomi: It's not his fault Miss Harper, you were the one who told him to
work on the toys.
Mama: Well, it wasn't me. It was that fat pain in the butt Roselle
Hupplander. I swear if I could get my hands around it I would ring her
neck. (VINT JUMPS BY) Yo, Hitchcock, you getting all this?
SCENE EIGHT
(Living room. All)
Naomi: That last student video was so sweet!
Mama: Well, wait until they see me handing out all those toys to the
orphans, there won't be a dry eye in the house.
Bubba: Ah, Sorry Grandma, but I didn't get any footage from the
orphanage.
Mama: Those were some of my best moments.
Bubba: I know, but it turns out there was a short in the camera. It
kept turning itself on and off. It only recorded about half of what I
shot.
Mama: Well, thanks alot Bubba Speilberg
Bubba: Well, don't worry Grandma, according to Professor Colby, mine
was the most dynamic and revealing video in the class.
Naomi: Shhhhh...It's starting.
(tv)
Bubba Higgins Productions Presents. A video by Bubba Higgins. "At Home
with the Harpers" Written, Produced and Photographed by Bubba Higgins.
Directed by Bubba Higgins.
Mama: The camera sure didn't short out when it came to putting your
name on this thing.
Bubba (vo): This is a video about the Harper family. This is my aunt
Naomi talking about love.
Naomi: Even as a child I knew who was hot. Every night I would leave
my window open and Marlon would sneak into my room. He's sleep in my
bed all night long. I would rub his belly and he would lick my face.
(end tv)
Mama: What the hell kind of smut is that?
Vint: Yeah, who is this Marlon?
Naomi (hits Bubba): Well, he was my little puppy but Bubba cut that
part out.
Bubba: It wasn't my fault. It was the camera. But, didn't you think
it was dynamic and revealing?
Naomi: No! Bubba, you have ruined my reputation.
Mama: OH, what reputation, you tramp?
(tv)
Bubba (vo): Here's my uncle Vint. With a memory about my grandma, Mrs.
Thelma Harper.
Vint: Everytime daddy went out of town, Mama fell off the wagon. She
got completely plastered. What a mess. That's when she started having
men in. Of course, she made us kids swear not to tell daddy.
(end tv)
Naomi: So now who is the tramp?
Mama: Vint, I'm gonna kill you! You made me out to be a lush!
Vint: That's not the story I told!
Mama: Shut up. Go get me another beer.
(Vint leaves)
(tv)
Bubba (vo): Iola Boyland has lived across the street from our family
her whole life. Here, she gives us an impression of what it's like to
be the Harper's neighbor.
Iola: I'll never forget the shock when Thelma took me into her
daughters bedroom. Those poor things had been totally neglected. Their
clothes were in rags, I don't think their hair had been brushed in
years. I asked Thelma how she could stand to see them that way and she
said. Why should I clean them up, they'll just get dirty again.
(end tv)
Mama: Well, I'm just loving this. First I'm a lush. Now I'm an
abusive mother. (hits vint with rolled up newspaper) Give me my beer.
Iola: Now, Thelma. Let me explain.
Mama: You've said enough. The camera never lies. Here I am. All
Right. Now we're gonna hear the truth.
(tv)
Bubba (vo): And finally, this is the head of our family, Thelma
Harper. Grandma has been like a second mother to me. It's from her,
that I've learned the importance of family.
Mama: When I think of my family, my kids and all of their kids. It
just turns my stomach. Husbands beating their wives. Wives cheating on
their husbands. Kids stealing and running wild. And you know where I
place all the blame? Right with this old lady. Some people might say
I'm a failure as a mother. And I would have to agree with them.
Vint: Oh,now Mama. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not that bad
a mother.
Mama: I know that you pea brain. Cecil B. De-moron put words in my
mouth. Oh, look he's even got us fighting in the yard.
(tv)
Naomi: It's not his fault Miss Harper, you were the one who told him to
work on the toys.
Mama: Well, it wasn't me. It was that fat pain in the butt Roselle
Hupplander. I swear if I could get my hands around it I would ring her
neck.
(end tv)
Mama: Turn that damn thing off. Good Lord, how am I ever gonna show
my face in this town again?
Naomi: Well, it was only public access. Maybe nobody else saw it.
(phone rings)
Mama: That's probably nobody now. (pause) Hello. (pause) Oh, Hello
Roselle. How nice of you call. Well, there was a little short in the
camera. (pause) I know but--Well, fine. If that's the way you feel,
so be it.
Iola: Oh, Thelma. What did she say?
Mama: She said I'm never gonna head up anothe charity drive again.
Bubba: Sorry Grandma.
Mama: Sorry, hell! Turn that sucker back on. With any luck it's gonna
get me out of the church bizaar too!
FADE OUT
