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Mama's Family
Episode #14
"A Grave Mistake"
Transcript

NOTE: I love Mama's Family just like you. This is the second episode that I am transcribing and I thought that I would try something different. I'm not going to transcribe all of the dialogue. Sure, I'll quote all the jokes and some other stuff but I figured that if I just give summaries of dialogue that I will have more time for more transcripts and eventually I'll have a transcript for every episode on the page!

FADE IN: The Family is in the living room. MAMA Naomi? NAOMI Yes maa'me? MAMA Don't you think it'd be a nice idea if you went out to the cemetary and visited the man that gave you your husband? NAOMI Why if I visited every man that gave me a husband I'd spend half my life tip toeing through the tombstones. Besides I believe that when a person passes on may their soul be allowed to rest in peace. NAOMI and VINT start making out on the couch. MAMA hits VINT in the head. MAMA Vinton! Aren't you going to come and see your daddy on his birthday? VINT Mama! Daddy is not really in that cemetary. MAMA Well he better be it cost me twelve hundred bucks to have him put there! VINT I don't believe that's really daddy. MAMA Well maybe it's Abraham Lincoln then I could get Buzz to go with me what do you mean it isn't daddy. VINT The good book says that "thou art dust and-" MAMA Unto dust thy shall return I know I know I know! VINT I just feel and I don't mean any disrespect. But I just feel that all that's in that cemetary is dust. MAMA Well that's all that's over at the Bigger Jigger saloon but you spend half your life over there! NAOMI What Vinton means is that visiting graves is something your generation does. It's just not our thing. MAMA Well it isn't Carl's thing either but he has to be out there every single day. VINT Mama I don't understand- THE DOORBELL RINGS VINT You're being ridiculous about this thing. VINT opens door to SONJA's boyfriend. VINT What? BOY I came to pick up Sonja? VINT Oh well come on in. Sit down. Sit down. Mama just stares at the boy. MAMA She gave up the cemetary for you, huh? BOY Yes maa'me. VINT Don't pay any attention to her. Tell me something are your grandparents still alive? MAMA Well Good Lord! VINT Well we were just having a family discussion here and I wanted to get a second opinion. MAMA Well how would you like to come out to the washer and see the rest of our dirty laundry? BOY No thank you. VINT Are your grandparents still alive? BOY Well the only one that I really knew was my grandfather on my father's side but he died a while ago. VINT Do you ever go out to that cemetary to see him? BOY No. NAOMI Do your parents ever force you to go out to that cemetary? BOY No maa'me. VINT Do you really think that he's in that cemetary? BOY No sir? MAMA Well now how can you be so sure of that? BOY He was buried at sea. SONJA walks in and drags her boyfriend out the door. MAMA Well you can get your own supper. You know that when I get back from the cemetary I'm much too upset to do any cooking. VINT Mama why do you put yourself through this? MAMA Because I talk to your daddy. And you should too. Tell him about yourself and your family. Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's not interested. VINT Mama I'm sorry but I just don't believe in that. MAMA Well I do. And your daddy talks back to me. And I don't mean I hear voices like your Aunt Merdice used to but he communicates with me. NAOMI Miss Harper that is either your imagination or you're going bonkers. MAMA I am not going bonkers Naomi he does communicate with me. One time when I was waiting for a bus on the way home from the mall a funny feeling came over me and I just known it was Carl. It said to me "Don't get on the number seventeen bus there's going to be a terrible accident. Avoid the number seventeen bus. And all of a sudden the number seventeen pulls up right in front of me. NAOMI Did you get on it? MAMA No! I just pretended I was waiting for the # 12. VINT Well what happened to the #17 was it in a wreck? MAMA Certainly not. Because I didn't get on it. Thanks to Carl all those passengers are alive today. Don't you tell me I'm going bonkers! MAMA exits CUT TO: Cemetary- MAMA puts some flowers on Carl's grave. MAMA Well Carl, happy birthday. I know you never did like much of a fuss made about your birthday it always reminded you of how much older you were getting. I guess you don't have to worry about that no more. I brought you some flowers. I borrowed them from that grave down there. MAMA continues to talk with CARL... MAMA I'm tired Carl. I'm so tired... Sometimes I think I'm getting ready to join you. To take my place in this grave next to you marked Hannah B. Grotzing. MAMA looks again. MAMA Mrs. Hannah B. Grotzing. Well there's a strange. (stands up next to CARL's tombstone and points to the tombstone next to her) There is a strange woman in my grave! Carl Harper what the he** are you up to?! MAMA hits his tombstone with her purse. CUT TO: Harper Home-The Family is playing Monopoly. ELLEN walks in. ELLEN Hello everyone. Where's Mama? VINT Well I wonder why she wants to know. ELLEN Well I'm going to take Mama to the cemetary to visit Daddy. FRAN Well you're right on time again this year Ellen she just left an hour ago. ELLEN Oh what a pity. VINT Oh come on Ellen you do this every year. ELLEN Do what? VINT You take your phone off the hook and then you come prancing- ELLEN I do not! VINT You do too. How dumb do you think we are? ELLEN I may need a chalkboard to answer that question. NAOMI Well we may not be the smartest people you know Ellen but we are certainly not hypocrites. ELLEN Vint see to your wife I believe her mussels slipped again. NAOMI Now I would watch out young lady next year we might just be going to the cemetary on your birthday. VINT Ya'll just knock it off the least we can do on daddy's birthday is not fight amongst ourselves. FRAN Oh I think that that's a very sweet idea Vint. Ellen would you like to stay for lunch? ELLEN Well okay I can just call them and tell them I'll be a little late. Oh no I can't the phone's still off the hook. MAMA walks in crying. NAOMI What is it? MAMA Carl's having an affair with a strange woman. FRAN At the cemetary? NAOMI Oh there is life after death. MAMA runs into the bathroom and everyone chases after her. VINT Now Mama just explain to us what happened. MAMA There is a woman lying in my grave right smack up against my husband. FRAN Thelma you're just being ridiculous. Carl Harper couldn't get a woman while he was alive what makes you think he can get one now? MAMA comes out of the bathroom. ELLEN Mama everything's going to be okay. Ellen's here. MAMA I might have known you'd show up. You always show up an hour after I've gone to the cemetary. Did you remember to put your phone back on the hook? ELLEN Mama, how can you say that? MAMA It's true. Nobody ever wants to go out to the cemetary to visit my husband. Except for Hannah B. Grozinger. VINT Now Mama this is probably all just one big crazy mix up. ELLEN Now Mama I will take you back to that cemetary and we'll get this whole thing straightened out. MAMA Every night I say a prayer for Carl to be happy. Now he's got a woman lying next to him. Some he** of a way for my prayers to be answered. If he wadn't dead I'd kill him! CUT TO: Cemetary Office. OFFICEMAN Is that Harper with an H? MAMA Of course it's Harper with an "H" if it wasn't it'd be Arper! OFFICEMAN Here at Graylawn cemetary we don't like mistakes. MAMA Well you've got a doozy buried out there next to my husband. ELLEN The mark on that tombstone says "Hannah B. Grotszinger". OFFICEMAN That's impossible, Hannah B. Grotszinger was burried three blocks away from Mr. Harper. MAMA Well right now she's snuggling up against my husband so I think you better get her a non skid coffin. ELLEN and MAMA explain to the OFFICEMAN that the mark on the tombstone reads "Hannah B. Grotszinger" the OFFICEMAN realizes that they made a mistake and that Carl's grave is not the one with his tombstone on it. MAMA gets upset because she figures out that she's been visiting the wrong grave. After MAMA walks out of the room upset. OFFICEMAN Is there anything I can do to help? ELLEN Yes why don't you just bury people in alphabetical order? CUT TO: Harper Home Everyone is lying around staring at a depressed MAMA in her chair. VINT Mama you've got to stop tormenting yourself about this you didn't do anything wrong. MAMA I bought a headstone for someone I don't even know. I told everything I could about myself to a perfect stranger. I've been unfaithful to my husband. ELLEN Mama you have not been unfaithful to daddy. He would forgive you. If you went to him right now you know what the first thing he would say to you would be? MAMA Yea he'd say "Thelma what the he** have you done with the money I left you to buy me a headstone!" FRAN He wouldn't care about no headstone. MAMA Dying don't change people! You know how cheap he was Lord rest his soul. BUZZ Grandma why don't you just tell him what you did he'll understand. MAMA No I can't bear to face him now. Not after what I've done. NAOMI Oh Miss Harper you haven't done anything. MAMA Well not by your standards maybe. All marriage means to you is shaking the sheats. Carl and me have a spiritual thing going. NAOMI Well Vint and I also have a spiritual thing don't we baby. VINT I'll say sometime's we even light candles. NAOMI And sometimes- FRAN Please! MAMA Carl's been out there waiting to see me but all he's seen is my backside while I was out there exposing my- self to Clyde P. whatshisface! SONJA walks in and runs upstairs to her room. FRAN Well Thelma I can't take this any longer. FRAN starts to walk away. MAMA Where are you going. FRAN If you can't tell Carl what happened I will. MAMA Well I certainly can't go out there.Not until he forgives me for what I've done. NAOMI But Miss Harper he can't forgive you unless you go see him. He certainly can't come here. FRAN Well I certainly hope not. MAMA Well there's only one way. Carl's going to have to give me a sign. VINT A sign? MAMA That's right. Your daddy's going to have to bring me a gift. FRAN Well Thelma can he bring it when I'm not home? MAMA Well you're not afraid of ghosts? FRAN I am too. MAMA Well what a bunch of scaredy cats. Carl and me do this all the time he sends me signs. NAOMI Well how are we going to know the sign? MAMA Well if Carl forgives me I'll get a gift. VINT Well if that's all it takes I'll go out and buy you one. MAMA NO no, it can't come from a member of the family it has to be something I'm not suspecting. THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES and FRAN jumps up scared and grabs her chest. FRAN answers the door and SONJA's boyfriend comes in with flowers. He runs up to the staircase and yells for her. She refuses him. He gets on bended knea and she just insults him. MAMA Sonja! Either forgive this creep or come down here and put him out of his misery. VINT Michael I don't think she wants to talk about it right now so maybe you should run on home. MICHAEL stands up. MICHAEL Mrs. Harper, since I can't give these (flowers) to the woman I love I'll give them to you. MAMA Well thank you Michael. MICHAEL hands MAMA the flowers and leaves. MAMA smells the flowers and points to them and waves them at her family. VINT Now Mama you can't believe those are from daddy. FRAN He wouldn't send them with a creep. ELLEN Those are just cheap little flowers he probably picked them himself. BUZZ Yea but they didn't come from anyone in the family and Grandma wasn't expecting them. Those are from Grandpa aren't they? MAMA (crying happily) Yes they are baby. Because they're Nosturtains. Only Carl would send me flowers that I'm (sneez) allergic to. MAMA runs into the bathroom. OUTSIDE HOUSE MAMA (V.O.) Carl baby if you can hear me, thanks for the flowers. I'm just going to put these in some water. (flushes toilet) FADE OUT <SCRIPT LANGUAGE=JavaScript>  </SCRIPT>  <script src="/fs_img/js/pt.js" type="text/javascript"></script>   <script type="text/javascript">  </script>  <SCRIPT LANGUAGE=JavaScript>  </SCRIPT> <SCRIPT LANGUAGE=JavaScript1.1>  </SCRIPT> <SCRIPT LANGUAGE=JavaScript>  </SCRIPT> <TABLE ALIGN=CENTER STYLE="clear:both"><TR><TD ALIGN=CENTER>  <SCRIPT LANGUAGE=JavaScript> if(window.OAS_AD) OAS_AD('Bottom'); </SCRIPT>  </TD></TR></TABLE>

Mama's Family Episode #14 "A Grave Mistake" Transcript

Mama's Family
Episode #14
"A Grave Mistake"
Transcript