Mama's Family
Episode #14
"A Grave Mistake"
Transcript
NOTE: I love Mama's Family just like you. This is the second episode that I am transcribing and I thought
that I would try something different. I'm not going to transcribe all of the dialogue. Sure, I'll quote all the jokes and some other stuff but I figured that if I just give summaries of dialogue that I will have more time for more transcripts and eventually I'll have a transcript for every episode on the page!
FADE IN: The Family is in the living room.
MAMA
Naomi?
NAOMI
Yes maa'me?
MAMA
Don't you think it'd be a nice idea if you
went out to the cemetary and visited the man
that gave you your husband?
NAOMI
Why if I visited every man that gave me a
husband I'd spend half my life tip toeing
through the tombstones. Besides I believe
that when a person passes on may their soul
be allowed to rest in peace.
NAOMI and VINT start making out on the couch.
MAMA hits VINT in the head.
MAMA
Vinton! Aren't you going to come and see
your daddy on his birthday?
VINT
Mama! Daddy is not really in that cemetary.
MAMA
Well he better be it cost me twelve hundred
bucks to have him put there!
VINT
I don't believe that's really daddy.
MAMA
Well maybe it's Abraham Lincoln then I
could get Buzz to go with me what do you
mean it isn't daddy.
VINT
The good book says that "thou art dust and-"
MAMA
Unto dust thy shall return I know I know I know!
VINT
I just feel and I don't mean any disrespect.
But I just feel that all that's in that cemetary
is dust.
MAMA
Well that's all that's over at the Bigger
Jigger saloon but you spend half your life over
there!
NAOMI
What Vinton means is that visiting graves
is something your generation does. It's just
not our thing.
MAMA
Well it isn't Carl's thing either but he has
to be out there every single day.
VINT
Mama I don't understand-
THE DOORBELL RINGS
VINT
You're being ridiculous about this thing.
VINT opens door to SONJA's boyfriend.
VINT
What?
BOY
I came to pick up Sonja?
VINT
Oh well come on in.
Sit down. Sit down.
Mama just stares at the boy.
MAMA
She gave up the cemetary for you, huh?
BOY
Yes maa'me.
VINT
Don't pay any attention to her. Tell me
something are your grandparents still alive?
MAMA
Well Good Lord!
VINT
Well we were just having a family discussion
here and I wanted to get a second opinion.
MAMA
Well how would you like to come out to the
washer and see the rest of our dirty laundry?
BOY
No thank you.
VINT
Are your grandparents still alive?
BOY
Well the only one that I really knew was my grandfather
on my father's side but he died a while ago.
VINT
Do you ever go out to that cemetary to see him?
BOY
No.
NAOMI
Do your parents ever force you to go out to
that cemetary?
BOY
No maa'me.
VINT
Do you really think that he's in that cemetary?
BOY
No sir?
MAMA
Well now how can you be so sure of that?
BOY
He was buried at sea.
SONJA walks in and drags her boyfriend out
the door.
MAMA
Well you can get your own supper. You know that
when I get back from the cemetary I'm much too
upset to do any cooking.
VINT
Mama why do you put yourself through this?
MAMA
Because I talk to your daddy. And you should
too. Tell him about yourself and your family.
Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's not
interested.
VINT
Mama I'm sorry but I just don't believe in that.
MAMA
Well I do. And your daddy talks back to me. And
I don't mean I hear voices like your Aunt Merdice
used to but he communicates with me.
NAOMI
Miss Harper that is either your imagination or
you're going bonkers.
MAMA
I am not going bonkers Naomi he does communicate
with me. One time when I was waiting for a bus
on the way home from the mall a funny feeling
came over me and I just known it was Carl. It
said to me "Don't get on the number seventeen
bus there's going to be a terrible accident.
Avoid the number seventeen bus. And all of a
sudden the number seventeen pulls up right in
front of me.
NAOMI
Did you get on it?
MAMA
No! I just pretended I was waiting for the # 12.
VINT
Well what happened to the #17 was it in a wreck?
MAMA
Certainly not. Because I didn't get on it. Thanks
to Carl all those passengers are alive today. Don't
you tell me I'm going bonkers!
MAMA exits
CUT TO: Cemetary-
MAMA puts some flowers on Carl's grave.
MAMA
Well Carl, happy birthday. I know you never did
like much of a fuss made about your birthday it
always reminded you of how much older you were getting.
I guess you don't have to worry about that no more.
I brought you some flowers. I borrowed them from that
grave down there.
MAMA continues to talk with CARL...
MAMA
I'm tired Carl. I'm so tired...
Sometimes I think I'm getting ready to join you.
To take my place in this grave next to you
marked Hannah B. Grotzing.
MAMA looks again.
MAMA
Mrs. Hannah B. Grotzing. Well there's a strange.
(stands up next to CARL's tombstone and points
to the tombstone next to her)
There is a strange woman in my grave! Carl Harper
what the he** are you up to?!
MAMA hits his tombstone with her purse.
CUT TO: Harper Home-The Family is playing Monopoly.
ELLEN walks in.
ELLEN
Hello everyone. Where's Mama?
VINT
Well I wonder why she wants to know.
ELLEN
Well I'm going to take Mama to the
cemetary to visit Daddy.
FRAN
Well you're right on time again this year
Ellen she just left an hour ago.
ELLEN
Oh what a pity.
VINT
Oh come on Ellen you do this every year.
ELLEN
Do what?
VINT
You take your phone off the hook and then
you come prancing-
ELLEN
I do not!
VINT
You do too. How dumb do you think we are?
ELLEN
I may need a chalkboard to answer that question.
NAOMI
Well we may not be the smartest people you
know Ellen but we are certainly not hypocrites.
ELLEN
Vint see to your wife I believe her mussels slipped
again.
NAOMI
Now I would watch out young lady next year we might
just be going to the cemetary on your birthday.
VINT
Ya'll just knock it off the least we can do on daddy's
birthday is not fight amongst ourselves.
FRAN
Oh I think that that's a very sweet idea Vint.
Ellen would you like to stay for lunch?
ELLEN
Well okay I can just call them and tell them I'll
be a little late. Oh no I can't the phone's still
off the hook.
MAMA walks in crying.
NAOMI
What is it?
MAMA
Carl's having an affair with a strange woman.
FRAN
At the cemetary?
NAOMI
Oh there is life after death.
MAMA runs into the bathroom and everyone chases
after her.
VINT
Now Mama just explain to us what happened.
MAMA
There is a woman lying in my grave right smack up
against my husband.
FRAN
Thelma you're just being ridiculous. Carl Harper
couldn't get a woman while he was alive what makes
you think he can get one now?
MAMA comes out of the bathroom.
ELLEN
Mama everything's going to be okay. Ellen's here.
MAMA
I might have known you'd show up. You always show
up an hour after I've gone to the cemetary. Did
you remember to put your phone back on the hook?
ELLEN
Mama, how can you say that?
MAMA
It's true. Nobody ever wants to go out to the
cemetary to visit my husband. Except for Hannah
B. Grozinger.
VINT
Now Mama this is probably all just one big crazy
mix up.
ELLEN
Now Mama I will take you back to that cemetary
and we'll get this whole thing straightened out.
MAMA
Every night I say a prayer for Carl to be happy.
Now he's got a woman lying next to him. Some he**
of a way for my prayers to be answered. If he
wadn't dead I'd kill him!
CUT TO: Cemetary Office.
OFFICEMAN
Is that Harper with an H?
MAMA
Of course it's Harper with an "H" if
it wasn't it'd be Arper!
OFFICEMAN
Here at Graylawn cemetary we don't like
mistakes.
MAMA
Well you've got a doozy buried out there
next to my husband.
ELLEN
The mark on that tombstone says "Hannah B.
Grotszinger".
OFFICEMAN
That's impossible, Hannah B. Grotszinger
was burried three blocks away from Mr. Harper.
MAMA
Well right now she's snuggling up against
my husband so I think you better get her
a non skid coffin.
ELLEN and MAMA explain to the OFFICEMAN that the mark
on the tombstone reads "Hannah B. Grotszinger" the
OFFICEMAN realizes that they made a mistake and that
Carl's grave is not the one with his tombstone on it.
MAMA gets upset because she figures out that she's
been visiting the wrong grave.
After MAMA walks out of the room upset.
OFFICEMAN
Is there anything I can do to help?
ELLEN
Yes why don't you just bury people in alphabetical
order?
CUT TO:
Harper Home
Everyone is lying around staring at a depressed MAMA
in her chair.
VINT
Mama you've got to stop tormenting yourself about
this you didn't do anything wrong.
MAMA
I bought a headstone for someone I don't even know.
I told everything I could about myself to a perfect
stranger. I've been unfaithful to my husband.
ELLEN
Mama you have not been unfaithful to daddy. He would
forgive you. If you went to him right now you know what
the first thing he would say to you would be?
MAMA
Yea he'd say "Thelma what the he** have you done with
the money I left you to buy me a headstone!"
FRAN
He wouldn't care about no headstone.
MAMA
Dying don't change people! You know how cheap he was
Lord rest his soul.
BUZZ
Grandma why don't you just tell him what you did
he'll understand.
MAMA
No I can't bear to face him now. Not after what I've
done.
NAOMI
Oh Miss Harper you haven't done anything.
MAMA
Well not by your standards maybe. All marriage means
to you is shaking the sheats. Carl and me have a spiritual
thing going.
NAOMI
Well Vint and I also have a spiritual thing don't we baby.
VINT
I'll say sometime's we even light candles.
NAOMI
And sometimes-
FRAN
Please!
MAMA
Carl's been out there waiting to see me but all he's
seen is my backside while I was out there exposing my-
self to Clyde P. whatshisface!
SONJA walks in and runs upstairs to her room.
FRAN
Well Thelma I can't take this any longer.
FRAN starts to walk away.
MAMA
Where are you going.
FRAN
If you can't tell Carl what happened I will.
MAMA
Well I certainly can't go out there.Not until
he forgives me for what I've done.
NAOMI
But Miss Harper he can't forgive you unless you
go see him. He certainly can't come here.
FRAN
Well I certainly hope not.
MAMA
Well there's only one way. Carl's going to have
to give me a sign.
VINT
A sign?
MAMA
That's right. Your daddy's going to have to bring
me a gift.
FRAN
Well Thelma can he bring it when I'm not home?
MAMA
Well you're not afraid of ghosts?
FRAN
I am too.
MAMA
Well what a bunch of scaredy cats. Carl and me do
this all the time he sends me signs.
NAOMI
Well how are we going to know the sign?
MAMA
Well if Carl forgives me I'll get a gift.
VINT
Well if that's all it takes I'll go out and buy you
one.
MAMA
NO no, it can't come from a member of the family it has
to be something I'm not suspecting.
THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES and FRAN jumps
up scared and grabs her chest.
FRAN answers the door and SONJA's boyfriend comes
in with flowers. He runs up to the staircase and
yells for her. She refuses him. He gets on bended knea
and she just insults him.
MAMA
Sonja! Either forgive this creep or come down here and
put him out of his misery.
VINT
Michael I don't think she wants to talk about
it right now so maybe you should run on home.
MICHAEL stands up.
MICHAEL
Mrs. Harper, since I can't give these (flowers)
to the woman I love I'll give them to you.
MAMA
Well thank you Michael.
MICHAEL hands MAMA the flowers and leaves.
MAMA smells the flowers and points to them and waves
them at her family.
VINT
Now Mama you can't believe those are from daddy.
FRAN
He wouldn't send them with a creep.
ELLEN
Those are just cheap little flowers he probably
picked them himself.
BUZZ
Yea but they didn't come from anyone in the family
and Grandma wasn't expecting them. Those are from
Grandpa aren't they?
MAMA
(crying happily)
Yes they are baby. Because they're Nosturtains.
Only Carl would send me flowers that I'm (sneez)
allergic to.
MAMA runs into the bathroom.
OUTSIDE HOUSE
MAMA
(V.O.)
Carl baby if you can hear me, thanks for the flowers.
I'm just going to put these in some water.
(flushes toilet)
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