Mama's Family Transcript
Episode #105
"Reading The Riot Act"
FADE IN: BUBBA and VINT are playing basketball outside.<P>
BUBBA has the ball.He bounces it and throws it through the hoop.<P>
VINT
Bubba you are one lucky mud puppy.
BUBBA
Lucky?Come on Uncle Vint I've
sunk every shot so far.Okay
you're up to HORS dead man, this
is your last chance.
VINT
I'm just setting you up for
the kill. I've got you right
where I want you.
BUBBA
I shot from back there.
VINT
Okay. If you want to get
technical about it. I thought
this was just a friendly game.
VINT takes a few steps back.
MAMA walks outside with a rug.
VINT
Well hello Mama, and how was
your luncheon at the church ladies
league?
MAMA beats the rug hard with her rake.
VINT
What's the problem?
MAMA
I have got no problem
Vinton just go ahead and
slam your dunk.
BUBBA
Take your shot Uncle Vint!
VINT
I'm gonna' I'm gonna. Can't
you see your grandmother's
upset?
VINT
What is it Mama?
MAMA
I nearly went blind updating
that stupid church directory
and guess who gets all the
credit?
VINT
Who?
MAMA
Madame president Lollie Perdou.
VINT
No.
BUBBA
Quit your stalling Uncle Vint.
VINT
Yea Yea
(to MAMA)
So, did you give Lollie a piece
of your mind?
MAMA
Vinton a church lady does not
speak in anger. I held my tongue
until the invocation and then I
poured salt into her fruit cup.
BUBBA
Come on Uncle Vint.
VINT
Hey Mama, pretend this ball is
Lollie Perdou's head. Show me
what you'd really like to do to
her.
MAMA
Don't be ridiculous Vint, Lollie's
not nearly that good looking.
Take this you big hog!
MAMA hits the ball with her fist
and it goes through the hoop.
VINT
That's my shot.
BUBBA
Uncle Vint.
VINT
Okay, just to be fair I'll
let you practice while I go
get us some gatorade. That
last basket just about cleaned
me out of electrolights.
VINT goes into the kitchen.
MAMA
Well I'll tell you what. There's
nothing like church work to put
clean rugs on my floors.
VINT
Yea. Hey Mama did you know the
phone's off the hook?
MAMA
Don't you dare touch that thing.
Lollie Perdou announced she was
looking for a patsy to handwrite
thank you notes to all the donations
to the church rummage sale and I
don't want her calling me.
VINT
Naomi might be trying to call
from Hinkley.
MAMA
Nonsense. She's going to be tied
up with that supermarket cimenar
all day.
VINT
She said she would call. She was
going to sneak out during the lecture
on "putting the bite into your dog food
display.
MAMA
You are going to be dog food if I
wind up having to write all those
thank yous.
VINT
Well, why didn't you just tell
Lollie no at the meeting.
MAMA
Vint, a church lady does not say
no to her president. Instead you
just smile politely and then you
come home and take the da*n phone
off the hook.
IOLA
(V.O.)
Thelma! Thelma you home?
MAMA
No, Iola I just leave the front
door open so thieves can come
in and rob me blind!
MAMA exits into the living room.
VINT puts the phone back on the hook.
IOLA
Can you give me a hand here Thelma?
I'm about to drop my penteflects.
MAMA
Hold on. I'm coming. Good Lord, what
the he** is all this stuff.
IOLA
What else? A list of the donators to
the church rummage sale,200 stamped
envelopes and the ladies league letterhead.
MAMA
What is it doing in my house?
IOLA
Well Lollie Perdou phoned. She wants
us to write all the thank yous.
MAMA
And you said yes!?!
IOLA
Well church ladies can't say no
to their president?
MAMA
No, but they can to their best
friends. Now you just forget it.
I don't care what Lollie Perdou
wants.
IOLA
Thelma, what about what He wants?
You know there's a golden throne
in Heaven for hard working church
ladies like us.
MAMA
Yea yea that golden thron sure as
he** better recline and have an
electric bunny warmer.
CUT TO: LATER THAT DAY VINT is
on the phone with NAOMI. BUBBA
is studying and IOLA and MAMA
are writing out letters.
VINT
Uh huh Uh huh. Okay Skeeter but
I'm going to miss you my little
lovebug.(makes kisses)
MAMA
Vinton! Why don't you grab an
envelope and put that pucker to
good use?
VINT
Bye bye.(hangs up the phone)
IOLA
Naomi's not coming back from the
grocery cimenar?
VINT
No she's got to chair tomorrow's
discussion. It's called "What'll
it be, paper or plastic?"
MAMA
Well let's all drop everything and
catch the next greyhound to Hinckley.
VINT
There's nothing much for me to do
around here I guess I'll just go on
to bed.
VINT exits.
IOLA
Poor Vint.
MAMA
Hey, with Naomi gone it'll do him
some good to try sleeping in that
bed for a change.
IOLA
Speaking of lying down on
the job can you believe
that Lollie Perdou flubbed
the agenda for the meeting
again today.
MAMA
Well the woman hasn't got the
sense God gave a slug.
IOLA
Well she's smart enough to push
all of her work off on us.
MAMA
I tell you what I hate to be
the one to say it. But since
she's been elected President
the C.L.L has gone to hell in
a handbasket.
BUBBA
Well then why don't you impeach
her?
IOLA
Bubba. This is a for church
ladies only conversation.
MAMA
Well Iola, let the boy speak.
Go ahead baby were you saying
something about impeachment.
BUBBA
Yea, I was reading about it
for my polly Cye test. And it
says here that if a person
is unable to do the job than
he or she can be impeached due
to a vote from congress.
MAMA
Or in this case the Executive
commitee. Florence, Inez, you
and me.
IOLA
No. No Thelma we couldn't put
Lollie through a humiliating
ordeal like that. Church ladies
aren't cut throat politicales.
We are gentle helpers kind and
good.
MAMA
Yea, you're right. Da** it!
The Door bell rings.
MAMA
Well who could that be at this
time of day.
BUBBA
Probably someone who wants us
to open the door.
BUBBA opens the door.
LOLLIE enters
LOLLIE
Hi dolls. Figured you'd still
be at it.
MAMA
Lollie. What a pleasant
surprise. Won't you come
on in. Have a seat.
LOLLIE
Why thank you.
MAMA
We were just talking about you?
LOLLIE
No kidding. Are my ears red?
BUBBA
Is she the one?
MAMA hits BUBBA
LOLLIE
This must be little Vint.
MAMA
No this is big Bubba
and he was just on his way
upstairs to study.
MAMA gives BUBBA his books and
BUBBA exits.
LOLLIE
So how's it going gals?
IOLA
Oh, we finished all but three.
LOLLIE
Well thank goodness you're not
done yet. I found this whole box
of religious bookmarks that
somebody left at the church. Ever
seen anything sweeter?
MAMA
That all depends.
LOLLIE
I want you to put them inside
each and every thank you.
MAMA
I hate them.
IOLA
I'm sorry Lollie, but we've
already sealed the envelopes.
LOLLIE
Well thank goodness you didn't
mail them. Now all you have
to do is tear off one little
corner and stick them in. What
could be easier?
MAMA
Mailing them the way they are.
IOLA
Lollie, this is an advertisement
for Wellman's funeral home.
LOLLIE
Oh I know that. Don't you just
love the picture of Mary at the
tomb with the stone rolled away.
MAMA
"He may have risen, but not our
prices." Well good Lord, we can't
send these!
LOLLIE
Oh for Heaven's sake no one reads
the fine print!
IOLA
Well of course they do. I'm afraid
I'm going to have to go along with
Thelma on this.
LOLLIE
Well kidd-o if I remember correctly,
you and Thelma weren't elected
President I was. Now I am not asking
I am telling you in my best Church
lady voice to take those bookmarks
and stick them in.
IOLA
Now just a minute Lollie.
MAMA
Iola remember "Gentle helpers,
kind and good". If it is bookmarks
you want dear, it is bookmarks you
will get.
LOLLIE
Why thank you, Thelma. Now that that's
over with.
LOLLIE turns her head and IOLA sticks
her tongue out at her.
LOLLIE
I best be off. Toodles.
LOLLIE leaves.
MAMA
Toodles to you too hun.
MAMA closes the door.
IOLA
Thelma I am so impressed with
the way you controlled your
temper.
MAMA
Well Iola, it's like the good
book says don't get mad get even.
IOLA
What do you mean?
MAMA
I mean we are going to impeach
her Presidential butt!
MAMA and IOLA slap tens.
CUT TO: KITCHEN-MAMA and IOLA
are making skones.
MAMA
Slowly add the yolks to double
sifted flour. Double sifted!
Iola how'de I let you talk me
in to making something as
complicated as skones.
IOLA
Well if we want to get Florence
and Inez on our side then we've
got to pull out the big guns.
MAMA
Well we're just trying to impeach
Lollie. Not dethrone Queen Elizabeth.
IOLA
Oh Thelma I don't know if I can
go through with this.
MAMA
Oh don't be silly, Lollie isn't
ever going to know it was us. I
told Florence and Inez this was
a highly confidential meeting.
IOLA
What if there's a leak? What if you're
phone's tapped? What if Inez is a stooley?
MAMA
Now listen here Missy. If you're
going to chicken out on me you
better do it right now before those
ladies get here.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
MAMA
Too late. You grab the tea I'll
grab the door.
MAMA goes into the living room
and the doorbell rings again.
MAMA
I'm coming I'm coming. Stop it you're
going to wear your thinger out!
MAMA opens the door.
INEZ
Thelma.
MAMA
Inez, Florence. How good of you
to come on such short notice.
INEZ and FLORENCE have a seat on the
couch.
MAMA
Inez, I love your hat.
INEZ slams her cane down on the floor
hard.
INEZ
(to FLORENCE)
WHAT DID SHE SAY!?
FLORENCE
YOUR HAT! SHE LIKES YOUR HAT!
INEZ
(to MAMA)
It's my dead sisters. People can't
tell us apart. Especially in the hat!
IOLA walks in.
MAMA
Oh here's Iola with our Tea.
Well let's say we get our
little meeting started.
LOLLIE
(standing in the door)
By all means. Oh I hope I'm not
too late.
IOLA starts shaking. The Tea
pots rattle.
LOLLIE
What are you doing tapping it
out in morse code?
MAMA
(to IOLA)
Get a grip.
INEZ
What'd she say?
FLORENCE
GET A GRIP!!
INEZ
I just asked a simple question.
LOLLIE
Believe it or not I lost
my schedule again. And I had
no idea there was a meeting
today. Until I ran into Florence
at the mall the other day and she
was an angel in reminding me.
MAMA
God bless her heart.
LOLLIE
She said it was highly confidential.
What's up?
IOLA and MAMA freeze.
MAMA
Skones. I was going to fix
everybody some skones and I
ran out of time. Loll, why
don't you be a doll and come
help me mix them up.
LOLLIE
Well I don't know I've never
made skones before.
MAMA
Oh it'll be fun.
MAMA and LOLLIE walk into the KITCHEN
MAMA
(to IOLA)
Iola I'm sure you ladies can find
something to discuss.
MAMA
Well I've got all the ingredients
out here so this should be a snap.
LOLLIE
Well why don't we just serve crackers.
I hate to miss the meeting.
MAMA
No need I'll go see what they're
talking about and if it's important
I'll come get you.
LOLLIE
But Thelma I've never made skones before.
MAMA
Well here's the recipe. Toodles.
MAMA exits into the LIVING ROOM.
IOLA
And then there was that time that
she missed the Pastor's reception.
MAMA
Yea, the invitations came with a
map.
IOLA
I drew it myself.
MAMA
So we were wondering. If you like
so many people have noticed that
Lollie's performance as President
isn't up to snuff.
INEZ
What did she say!?
FLORENCE
UP TO SNUFF!
INEZ
No thanks. I gave it up
years ago. But I do take
a chaw now and then.
MAMA
WHAT THE HE** DO YOU DO WITH
IT STICK IT IN YOUR EAR!!
IOLA
Thelma, can we just press on.
MAMA
Well any way we were wondering
if you were aware that as members
of the Executive committee we can
impeach her.
FLORENCE
What did you say?
INEZ
SHE'S SERVING PIZZA!
MAMA
Iola. Why don't you go out
on the front porch and continue
this conversation I'll keep an
eye on Lollie.
IOLA
Good idea. That way I can
talk louder. Or if neccessary
use mother's bull horn.
IOLA
Ladies, why don't we go out on
the front porch so I can speak up.
INEZ
Good. Don't spit up in here.
MAMA walks into the KITCHEN
and LOLLIE is putting cheese on
crackers.
MAMA
Well Lol,how's it going?
LOLLIE
I've decided to serve
cheese and crackers.
MAMA
Well what happened to the skones.
LOLLIE
Nothing happened to them. I just
decided that cheese would be faster.
MAMA
Well where are all the ingredients
did you mix up the dough?
MAMA picks up a pan.
LOLLIE
No. Leave that alone.
MAMA
Well good Lord woman you must have
two cups of buttermilk in here. Where
the he**'s the flour?
LOLLIE
Don't you dare make fun of
me I was elected President
not pastry chef.
MAMA
Oh get off your high horse
Lollie any fool can follow
a recipe.
LOLLIE
Not this fool. I can't read.
MAMA
What do you mean you can't read?
Is something wrong with your eyes?
LOLLIE
My eyes are fine Thelma, I just can't
read. I never learned how.
MAMA
Well why not? Didn't you learn in school?
LOLLIE
I was the oldest of twelve kids in my
family and I got pulled out of school
because mom needed help with the babies.
And when the babies were grown I was
married and I had a couple of my own
to look after.
MAMA
Yea when you've got two little
ones in diapers there's not a
lot of time for anything else.
LOLLIE
And when they got in school
I was ashamed to tell them that
their Mama couldn't read.
MAMA
Well what about your husband?
LOLLIE
Harly doesn't know either.
MAMA
I guess he must not have ever
asked you to make him skones.
LOLLIE
I've had years of practice
faking it. Harley does all
the paperwork. I convinced
him that he had a good head
for that thing. Men will
believe anything. And I'm
forever pretending that I
lost my glasses or lost directions
so folks wouldn't catch on.
MAMA
Well boy you sure had me
fooled. I thought you
were just going senile.
LOLLIE
You'd be amazed at how
many doors are closed
when you can't read or
write. Here, look at this.
I got it in the mail today.
It's a letter from my
granson Bobby. I recognize
his backward B's.
MAMA
Oh Vint does the same thing.
LOLLIE
Would you mind reading it
to me? I forgot my glasses.
MAMA
Dear Me-Ma, Fort Work is okay.
I start second grade. We have
ants in the sink. Say hi to boompa.
Hugs and kisses, Bobby. PS please
write back.
LOLLIE
I'll have Boompa write him a letter
tomorrow morning.
MAMA
Now the he** you will he doesn't want
to hear from boompa he wants to hear from
Me-Ma.
LOLLIE
But I can't.
MAMA
Listen if you're smart enough to fake it all
these years then you're smart enough to learn
to read and write.
LOLLIE
You really think so?
MAMA
Sure. Where's that magazine I had.
Living Circle. Here it is the one
with Barbara Bush on the cover.Oh
don't you just love her hair?
LOLLIE
My yes, I'm going to keep mine
natural when it goes gray.
MAMA
Yea, me too.She's got a whole
article in here about how you
can teach grown ups to read and
write. It's called Operation
Literacy. Now why don't you just
take this home and- never mind I'll
tell you all about it.
CUT TO:
LOLLIE and MAMA are talking in the
living room.
LOLLIE
And we can give the classes in the
Sunday school room.
MAMA
There you go it's a great idea
because they've already got
all the blackboards and the school
supplies.
IOLA enters with INEZ and FLORENCE.
IOLA
Knock knock Thelma. Mission accomplished.
MAMA
Where the he** have you been?
IOLA
Oh I took the girls over to my
house. I can be much more persuasive
with my feltboard.
INEZ
What did she say?
FLORENCE
FELT BOARD!
INEZ
Oh don't tell me she's dragging
that thing out again.
MAMA
Ladies why don't ya'll sit down
and hear what Lollie has in store
for the CLL.
IOLA
No Thelma I think it's time
that Lollie hears what the CLL
has in store for her.
MAMA
Not now Iola.
IOLA
If not now Thelma, when?
IOLA
President Perdou, we the
executive committee by unanymous
vote hear by-
MAMA
Decree that you are the best
President the CLL has ever had.The
uh plaque is still at the engravers.
IOLA
Thelma I don't understand.
MAMA
Well Lollie will explain it all
to you if you just sit down and
shut up.
INEZ
What did she say?
MAMA
I SAID SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
INEZ
That's the first time I've
heard her all day.
MAMA
Well then I believe you have
the floor Madame President.
LOLLIE
Thank you.
CUT TO: BUBBA and VINT are playing
basketball in the yard.
BUBBA
Alright Uncle Vint hurry up and
loose so I can go study.
VINT
Just because I've lost every game
for the last two months doesn't mean
I can't make a comeback.
MAMA comes outside.
VINT
Mama!
MAMA
Hey wait till you see what I got
in the mail.
BUBBA
He was just about to shoot.
VINT
What is it Mama?
MAMA
A handwritten not from Lollie
Perdou. Dear Thelma thank you
for your help. I love the
reading program as you can see
it works you're a doll, Lollie.PS
write back.
BUBBA
Good for her. And good for you Grandma.
MAMA
Well there's nothing I like better
than helping out a poor soul.
MAMA picks up the basketball and throws
it in the hoop for VINT.
MAMA
Just call me Korean Abdul Ja Mama.
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